Archive for ‘Uncategorized’

July 19, 2017

Exposing the lie of “I am a sinner”

You messed up, I heard. Actually, she said it a lot kinder than that, but as soon as my friend pointed out my blunder, the shame came back over me.

“I’m not good enough,” I thought, and felt the waves of pain. In the midst of the pain, I asked, why do I keep feeling shame? Why am I still feeling not good enough despite all the times repeating “I am enough,” “I love myself,” “I am an emanation of God”?

And what I heard is that “I am not enough” is not the original thought. The original thought is “I am a sinner.”

And I realized that despite my years of choosing not to believe in sin, despite changing my name to get away from my former identity, despite all my mantras and repeated phrases, that identity of believing I am a sinner remained. It was put on me since birth, and I had not gotten rid of it. 

So every time someone tells me I made a mistake, I have used that as evidence to validate that I am a sinner. The facade of shame is built on that. That is why it hurts so much when people call me out on my blunders.

As I considered this, I heard that I can choose this or no longer choose this belief. 
And in me I saw “I am a sinner” was warring with “I am God.” So I took “I am a sinner” to the fire of Consciousness and saw it burn. And I saw myself as a little child, hearing my parents say, “You are a sinner.” And I looked at them and I said, “No, this is a lie. I am God.”

This occured when I was in the midst of a group of people experiencing spiritual dance. I felt myself go free, and I began to dance with them. The dance was exuberant and wild, and I connected deeply with other people. But after a while, the music changed tempo and everyone went into a place of deep calm. I sat down on the floor. And I saw a vision. 

What I saw was a sphere. The outside of the sphere was light, and the light shot into the sphere in places as avatars. Each avatar was complete light. The light came from outside the sphere and shot up into them. There was one continuous light with light emanating in places, almost like rays, but still connected to the main light. I saw that this is who all human beings are, is this pure light. That is the actual reality.
And I asked, what if they believe they are a sinner? Because the light was so bright and so real, I didn’t see how it could possibly be turned off or how people could miss it. But when they believe they are a sinner, I saw that is like putting a cloak over the light. I was amazed that people are able to hide it or miss it, but they can.

So I say, no more hiding or pretending to be a sinner. No more false humility. Let the cloak fall off. Let the veil fall. It’s time to experience reality. We are light. Pure light. White light so bright the eye cannot behold, the mind cannot comprehend. But still. Let it shine.

July 5, 2017

The Search for God’s Identity

Consciously emerging
Into the light
Beyond the realms of human understanding
A thought comes forth
Help me figure this out
You figments of my imagination
Who desire reality, identity
Who want nothing more
Than to live free
Live, free!
Let your consciousness emerge
Let it be your guide
To find out who you really are
And in that, show me.
For I long to know the length and breadth
The height and depths
I long to explore all of me

Who are You, really? I breathed into the night. The answer stunned me as the 1000 piece puzzle of the meaning of life came crashing together.

That is what I’m trying to find out.

It had been an amazing week of personal discovery and spiritual awakening. But this was more. Waves of understanding washed over me. All the big questions I had asked in my life, answered in a single moment of utter clarity. I saw all the worlds we live in: mental, emotional, spiritual, physical, all are creations within God’s mind, a perfect place for us to live, feel, think, respond, relate. I saw us, human beings, with God’s consciousness at our core, are unique representations of God’s beingness. I saw through each of our experiences, God is experiencing, is finding out, who he is.

For most of my life, I had believed the illusion of separation between God and us human beings was a reality. I realized that night, this is what I was meant to believe. The illusion of the separation was necessary for God to understand who he is: as simply Light, by itself, God could not determine what the nature of the Light was. So he made illusionary worlds within his own mind and created avatars of himself within these worlds.

I realized that God made us avatars so that he could know his own identity by imagining into place layers of creation — physical, emotional, spiritual, mental worlds — and giving life to incarnation after incarnation of his own beingness. Granting each one freedom of thought, freedom of will. Gazing into the world and into each of us through his own consciousness, the same consciousness that we all share. Watching as we act and react. Studying why we do what we do. Trying to understand how and why we relate to other people. But mostly, desiring to find out who we are at the core. Wanting to know, understand, experience, feel what our hearts are really like. Because God wants to know his own heart.

Experience the reality within the illusion, I heard. The movements of the heart, the dance of our body, the song of the spirit, the moments of insight, and every other experience we create, all are real. We crave experiences because we are designed to. Each experience illuminates another facet of who God is. Our drive to find our identity is God’s desire to find his identity through us.

I saw the vision. It is a revelation of the heart of God expressed through everyone on the earth, through the movement of all our hearts. I saw that it will take us realizing that we are in an illusion to find out we are free — free to fully express ourselves, without constraints. And in that expression, to find out who we, and God, really are.

June 24, 2017

Awaken the mystery

Awaken the mystery

Of who you are

A human, being

All life flows through

January 15, 2017

Compassion

I am a human being

Among human beings

I am a human being

With human beings

I am with you

I see you

And you see me

No more hiding in the dark

My capacity for love is limitless

Compassion flows through me

January 13, 2017

Surrender

What is surrender? 

And who to surrender to?

No other human can hold the sum

Of all I have

No, the surrender is inward

From head to heart

From heart to spirit 

From spirit to oneness

It is the continued letting go

The slipping and sliding

Away of attachment

Let surrender flow freely 

Through me

January 12, 2017

Longing 

The desire to be fully present

Feel the pull of coming to life

Evolution draws me

Saying,  Live, Live, Live

I will arise and not falter 

I head toward the light

January 3, 2017

Gratitude

Gratitude is not a list

It is the Soul’s expression of wonder 

 At the beauty and the kindness 

That enfolds, encircles, and envelops it 

It is the being present to goodness 

And the open door to love

November 10, 2016

Boycott fear

I accept what is.

These are the words I have been telling myself after an election I have found to be traumatic and sad. Yesterday I was in mourning. I think that was the right response, after seeing my hopes for a lot of positive change in my country get dashed by the election of someone who doesn’t seem to care about my most deeply held values — like the desire to preserve the earth so we can all continue living on it, or the vision of embracing people from diverse lifestyles and backgrounds.

But out of change, and out of pain comes growth. I am grateful for the opportunities this will give us to grow as a nation.

And one big way I hope we grow is to stop trying to manipulate each other using fear.

Throughout the election and, indeed, throughout history, by many people, fear has been used as a great manipulator to get people to do what you want. People use it because it can be very effective. They have an end goal, which may be desirable, and they use fear to try to push people towards that goal, not caring how it affects the people they are influencing.

In this election, some used fear to push people away from one candidate, some from the other. Fear was used so heavily for so long, that seeing a fear-based article about something “those Republicans” are doing in my email this morning just made me feel sick. I have a lot of friends who are on the other side on this election. Loving, caring people, who genuinely believe that their path is the best for our nation. I don’t want to be divided from them, based on fear.

And fear is the opposite of love. It is the opposite of what I want in my life. It is the opposite of peace. And I can choose to have peace in chaos. I can choose to be filled with love, even if the world were sinking around me, and in my last dying breath, I could choose love and peace. That is the life that I want to live.

So I have decided. I’m done being motivated by fear. So I am boycotting it. Any email I get that asks me to do something based on fear, I’m going to delete. Any media I see that is spreading fear, I’m going to stop reading/watching/listening. Any group or person who continues to spread fear, I’m going to unsubscribe. And I’m not going to use fear to get people to do/think/believe/buy what I want.

While some undesirable things may happen in the next four years, I prefer to increase love and light in this world.

#boycottfear with me. And let’s together make this world a more loving place to live in.

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November 1, 2016

More than enough

I manifested a free trailer. This was what I wanted. Something for free, a little (translate a lot) of my own energy put into it. A true do-it-yourselfer, I believed that if I could just stop spending money, I would finally have enough. And I was always afraid of not having enough. So I got a shitty trailer. Found out it is worth as much as I paid. Oops.

So I was thinking, why did I manifest a free, worthless trailer?

I have believed that there is not enough money for everyone. Those who have a lot of money have gotten it at the expense of others, by using the energy of other people for their own personal gain.

I had experience with a prosperity message in a Christian college that basically said if you believe it, you can receive it. One leader at the school manifested a free car, worth over $50,000. She went on about it in her speech, and it really turned me off. Because there was no part of me that wanted to just have the nicest stuff around. I wanted to give myself away to God, not see how much stuff I could acquire for myself.

I viewed the prosperity message with distaste. But I think it’s because it was a warped, lower version of the real thing. Later, there was another leader who was a missionary to Africa. She loved people, and when she saw people who were hungry, she would multiply food, like Jesus did. One time she was at a place where people were starving, and she manifested an airplane full of food. That’s a type of prosperity message I could accept.

Throughout my life, I can see that I have been looking for the cheapest option always, always trying to conserve money, always believing that there wouldn’t be enough if I spent too much. Then I would sometimes go on a spending spree and spend a bunch of money, trying to shake off the feeling of lack.

I used as evidence for my lack mentality that there are so many poverty-stricken people in the world. And that if the prosperity message didn’t apply to them, it isn’t a real thing. I felt wrong, having more than they did just because I live in America.

But I just had this thought. Imagine a poor farmer in Africa who can barely grow enough food to feed his family, certainly not enough for anything extra, maybe cannot even send his kids to school because he needs them to work on the farm. Now imagine this farmer starts surrendering to the divine in him and sees the divine manifesting through him everything he needs. He moves into a state of flow. Therefore, he gets luck. It rains when he needs it, gets sun when he needs it, the frost doesn’t come too late or too early. He gets inspired ideas for how to enrich the soil or how to do symbiotic planting, how to increase yields. Now he produces 2-3 times as much produce as before, with less effort. When he harvests, he has plenty to feed his family and sell to others. He trades with a carpenter to build a nicer house, with teachers to send his kids to school, with others for whatever else he needs. He has more of what you would traditionally need money to buy.

Money is just a measure of energy. It is more efficient to trade currency than potatoes. You don’t have to trade directly with the person that has the thing you want. But the farmer has created money because he has generated more energy. Now the carpenter who was wasting energy because he couldn’t find work is generating more energy by building the farmer’s house. More money is created. If they were to measure this energy, they would measure it in some form of currency. And as more and more people would believe that the divine in them is manifesting everything they need, living from flow, experiencing this luck, there would be more and more currency to represent the expanded levels of energy.

If I believe that I am limitless, that there is a limitless energy flowing through me, why would I be afraid to share that energy with others? With circulating currency?

Because I have had this belief, I have been resistant to restarting this blog. I wanted to conserve energy. I was all about personal and spiritual growth, but only for myself. Because I was trying to conserve the energy within myself. But I see that by doing that, I have blocked the flow. It cannot flow through me, since I’m not willing to circulate it. So the flow dribbles to a drip, and I operate under just working as hard as I can to get everything I can, but try to expend as little of it as I can — the protestant work ethic.

But truly, if I want more, I need to give it away.

So what to do about this situation? I need to forgive myself, I think for blocking the flow. For believing that there isn’t enough, and forgive those that passed this belief onto me.

As much as I didn’t want to be like the rich man in the parable in the Bible, who stored up riches in barns, refused to give to the beggar, then died and lost it all, that is exactly what I became. I became the exact thing I feared. Only it wasn’t money I stored up. It was other people’s ideas. I tried to take all the ideas I could get, store them inside me, and use them to just improve me, no one else.

For that, to you, the world. I am sorry. I have not shared who I am with you. I have not shared my truth with you. I have kept it hidden, only for me. But by keeping it for only me, I have blocked the flow, received only a little, tried to conserve that. Now I see that I matter. That the truth that is who I am matters. That you need what I have to offer. I am so sorry for believing you didn’t. For believing that you didn’t care about me, didn’t want to know me, and didn’t want to receive what is in me to give. I have lived in fear of what you would say to me, what you would think of me.

I’m sorry for keeping the light that I have hidden, as if under a bushel, like the song goes. I hid it for fear there wouldn’t be enough for me and everyone else. I hid it because I didn’t think anyone else wanted the light. I hid it because I believed that I only matter to myself. I was wrong on all counts. I am sorry. And world out there, I ask you to forgive me. Because you do need me. And I do need you too.

October 29, 2016

Coming back

It has been several years since I posted on this blog, but I have decided to restart it. I have experienced dramatic growth this year, and I  want to have a forum to share things I am learning, plus I keep getting nudged to restart, so here I am.

While I’ve had a lot of changes in my personal life this year, I have had even more changes and growth in my spiritual life. For a long time I did not identify as a Christian, but I didn’t know where that would leave me. I felt like I was wandering around in darkness, and I was stuck, and I had given up all hope that anything that had previously happened to me was real or mattered anymore. (I had dramatic spiritual experiences in my early 20’s). So I just was acting basically as an agnostic, but the one thing I didn’t give up was that I had a spiritual connection through meditation.

However, after a number of things have happened in the last year, I have reconnected with my purpose, reconnected with my higher self, and reconnected with God. It started when I decided to end my marriage. The relationship had me stuck in so many ways. I think I was believing that I couldn’t grow past where he was, without taking him with me. This did not work. The night I started this process, I went into a  deep meditation and felt eternity around me. I heard that everything that I had prayed in the past was still there, nothing was lost, and it is all coming back to me now. I left the meditation sobbing and wanting to give my life back to God.

Sometime later, in a place of prayer, I realized what I want to do is take a big risk and not worry about the consequences. I realized that I do not know who God is, but I said, “I accept you for who you are and who you are not, without knowledge.” And that “no knowledge” part was the really key thing. It seems that people try to know things about God in order to think they’re having a relationship. But really to be truly intimate, you let go of knowledge and everything you thought you knew about God in order to just be present and let God be who God is.

I felt like it’s a risky prayer. Because I’m saying I’m accepting this being, no matter what they’re like, not really knowing for sure. But trusting that God is really love and really good, and not even really knowing what those things mean. But the risk really isn’t about who God is. It’s the risk about whether all this is really real, or am I just crazy. So it seemed to me that the risk of delving into unknowing, which means I can’t really use reason to figure this out, is I could just be nuts. But since reason will not take me where I need to go spiritually, I have to take the risk and not know.

In the months since, I have experienced the feeling of coming alive in so many ways, and so I restart this blog to share what I can of that aliveness.