Archive for October, 2016

October 29, 2016

Coming back

It has been several years since I posted on this blog, but I have decided to restart it. I have experienced dramatic growth this year, and I  want to have a forum to share things I am learning, plus I keep getting nudged to restart, so here I am.

While I’ve had a lot of changes in my personal life this year, I have had even more changes and growth in my spiritual life. For a long time I did not identify as a Christian, but I didn’t know where that would leave me. I felt like I was wandering around in darkness, and I was stuck, and I had given up all hope that anything that had previously happened to me was real or mattered anymore. (I had dramatic spiritual experiences in my early 20’s). So I just was acting basically as an agnostic, but the one thing I didn’t give up was that I had a spiritual connection through meditation.

However, after a number of things have happened in the last year, I have reconnected with my purpose, reconnected with my higher self, and reconnected with God. It started when I decided to end my marriage. The relationship had me stuck in so many ways. I think I was believing that I couldn’t grow past where he was, without taking him with me. This did not work. The night I started this process, I went into a  deep meditation and felt eternity around me. I heard that everything that I had prayed in the past was still there, nothing was lost, and it is all coming back to me now. I left the meditation sobbing and wanting to give my life back to God.

Sometime later, in a place of prayer, I realized what I want to do is take a big risk and not worry about the consequences. I realized that I do not know who God is, but I said, “I accept you for who you are and who you are not, without knowledge.” And that “no knowledge” part was the really key thing. It seems that people try to know things about God in order to think they’re having a relationship. But really to be truly intimate, you let go of knowledge and everything you thought you knew about God in order to just be present and let God be who God is.

I felt like it’s a risky prayer. Because I’m saying I’m accepting this being, no matter what they’re like, not really knowing for sure. But trusting that God is really love and really good, and not even really knowing what those things mean. But the risk really isn’t about who God is. It’s the risk about whether all this is really real, or am I just crazy. So it seemed to me that the risk of delving into unknowing, which means I can’t really use reason to figure this out, is I could just be nuts. But since reason will not take me where I need to go spiritually, I have to take the risk and not know.

In the months since, I have experienced the feeling of coming alive in so many ways, and so I restart this blog to share what I can of that aliveness.