My contemplation goes something like this (at least today):

I sit on the bed, my back cushioned by pillows leaning against the wall, palms open. My eyes are closed. I breathe deeply, follow the word “BE” around and down towards my spirit. My mind runs cartwheels and chases trails of thought. Excitement fills me as I think of this and that project to do, ideas of how something will turn out, what I am going to do today, and my favorite: what I will blog about this contemplation. I realize again that I have been distracted. “Sshhh,” I say to thoughts, and then I remember the word “BE.” I slowly begin to descend again. Now I can feel that vast opening around me. It is the thing I call “eternity” because that is what it feels like to me. I only barely glimpse it this morning, though, but I do feel the familiar pressure on my forehead that comes whenever I am in God’s presence. I think of it as the touch of angels.

My mind doesn’t go blank. (I have found that going into Silence is like exercising a muscle. When you have not done it ever, it is very hard to start because your muscle is so weak as to be almost non-existent. Since I have built up that muscle in the past though, there is the residual memory of how and the ability to do it. But it is very weak and will need to be built up through time.)

So my mind stays aware, but at least is now in listening mode. I consider apologizing and immediately dismiss the idea. But it does make me aware that apologizing is an old habit. I want to come to God apologetic that I have not done enough, come often enough, etc. After all I basically have stopped praying for about 2 1/2 years (with a few prayers interspersed through that). If I should ever apologize for not praying enough it is now. But I don’t. I am not here to apologize, I am here to BE. Then I think of a Bible verse I memorized long ago: “There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are IN Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of Life in Christ Jesus has set you free from the law of sin and death, so as to live the rest of the time in the flesh no longer for the lusts of men but for the will of God.” I used to think about that as another “should”–I should not feel condemned,but I do–but in this moment I have a glimpse at a beautiful idea from that quote. Being IN God, in this place of contemplation, in this place there isn’t any more condemnation; condemnation does not exist here. Nor does sin. There is no more thought of sin when you are living from inside God, and you are free to only live.
(Now that I write that I see that I have not captured the heart of what I experienced. I glimpsed a freedom this morning, but when I write a Bible verse I worry that it will just become another law to someone. I am sharing this simply to give you an idea of what I experienced. You have to get your own revelation for yourself.)

“So I can be free from earthly desires and live for the will of God,” I think. But then I remember my desire to live out ME. (I decided a long time ago, I do not want to be Jesus, I want to be myself, and I have been beat over the head for a lot of years with this idea of following the will of God.) So I wonder, do I really want to live out the will of God? But then the answer appears: as I stay in God my desires come to life in God’s life intertwined. So from this place, the true ME can be expressed.

Even though it feels sweet, I let go and return to the surface. I do not look at the clock.

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