January 15, 2017

Compassion

I am a human being

Among human beings

I am a human being

With human beings

I am with you

I see you

And you see me

No more hiding in the dark

My capacity for love is limitless

Compassion flows through me

January 13, 2017

Surrender

What is surrender? 

And who to surrender to?

No other human can hold the sum

Of all I have

No, the surrender is inward

From head to heart

From heart to spirit 

From spirit to oneness

It is the continued letting go

The slipping and sliding

Away of attachment

Let surrender flow freely 

Through me

January 12, 2017

Longing 

The desire to be fully present

Feel the pull of coming to life

Evolution draws me

Saying,  Live, Live, Live

I will arise and not falter 

I head toward the light

January 3, 2017

Gratitude

Gratitude is not a list

It is the Soul’s expression of wonder 

 At the beauty and the kindness 

That enfolds, encircles, and envelops it 

It is the being present to goodness 

And the open door to love

November 10, 2016

Boycott fear

I accept what is.

These are the words I have been telling myself after an election I have found to be traumatic and sad. Yesterday I was in mourning. I think that was the right response, after seeing my hopes for a lot of positive change in my country get dashed by the election of someone who doesn’t seem to care about my most deeply held values — like the desire to preserve the earth so we can all continue living on it, or the vision of embracing people from diverse lifestyles and backgrounds.

But out of change, and out of pain comes growth. I am grateful for the opportunities this will give us to grow as a nation.

And one big way I hope we grow is to stop trying to manipulate each other using fear.

Throughout the election and, indeed, throughout history, by many people, fear has been used as a great manipulator to get people to do what you want. People use it because it can be very effective. They have an end goal, which may be desirable, and they use fear to try to push people towards that goal, not caring how it affects the people they are influencing.

In this election, some used fear to push people away from one candidate, some from the other. Fear was used so heavily for so long, that seeing a fear-based article about something “those Republicans” are doing in my email this morning just made me feel sick. I have a lot of friends who are on the other side on this election. Loving, caring people, who genuinely believe that their path is the best for our nation. I don’t want to be divided from them, based on fear.

And fear is the opposite of love. It is the opposite of what I want in my life. It is the opposite of peace. And I can choose to have peace in chaos. I can choose to be filled with love, even if the world were sinking around me, and in my last dying breath, I could choose love and peace. That is the life that I want to live.

So I have decided. I’m done being motivated by fear. So I am boycotting it. Any email I get that asks me to do something based on fear, I’m going to delete. Any media I see that is spreading fear, I’m going to stop reading/watching/listening. Any group or person who continues to spread fear, I’m going to unsubscribe. And I’m not going to use fear to get people to do/think/believe/buy what I want.

While some undesirable things may happen in the next four years, I prefer to increase love and light in this world.

#boycottfear with me. And let’s together make this world a more loving place to live in.

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November 1, 2016

More than enough

I manifested a free trailer. This was what I wanted. Something for free, a little (translate a lot) of my own energy put into it. A true do-it-yourselfer, I believed that if I could just stop spending money, I would finally have enough. And I was always afraid of not having enough. So I got a shitty trailer. Found out it is worth as much as I paid. Oops.

So I was thinking, why did I manifest a free, worthless trailer?

I have believed that there is not enough money for everyone. Those who have a lot of money have gotten it at the expense of others, by using the energy of other people for their own personal gain.

I had experience with a prosperity message in a Christian college that basically said if you believe it, you can receive it. One leader at the school manifested a free car, worth over $50,000. She went on about it in her speech, and it really turned me off. Because there was no part of me that wanted to just have the nicest stuff around. I wanted to give myself away to God, not see how much stuff I could acquire for myself.

I viewed the prosperity message with distaste. But I think it’s because it was a warped, lower version of the real thing. Later, there was another leader who was a missionary to Africa. She loved people, and when she saw people who were hungry, she would multiply food, like Jesus did. One time she was at a place where people were starving, and she manifested an airplane full of food. That’s a type of prosperity message I could accept.

Throughout my life, I can see that I have been looking for the cheapest option always, always trying to conserve money, always believing that there wouldn’t be enough if I spent too much. Then I would sometimes go on a spending spree and spend a bunch of money, trying to shake off the feeling of lack.

I used as evidence for my lack mentality that there are so many poverty-stricken people in the world. And that if the prosperity message didn’t apply to them, it isn’t a real thing. I felt wrong, having more than they did just because I live in America.

But I just had this thought. Imagine a poor farmer in Africa who can barely grow enough food to feed his family, certainly not enough for anything extra, maybe cannot even send his kids to school because he needs them to work on the farm. Now imagine this farmer starts surrendering to the divine in him and sees the divine manifesting through him everything he needs. He moves into a state of flow. Therefore, he gets luck. It rains when he needs it, gets sun when he needs it, the frost doesn’t come too late or too early. He gets inspired ideas for how to enrich the soil or how to do symbiotic planting, how to increase yields. Now he produces 2-3 times as much produce as before, with less effort. When he harvests, he has plenty to feed his family and sell to others. He trades with a carpenter to build a nicer house, with teachers to send his kids to school, with others for whatever else he needs. He has more of what you would traditionally need money to buy.

Money is just a measure of energy. It is more efficient to trade currency than potatoes. You don’t have to trade directly with the person that has the thing you want. But the farmer has created money because he has generated more energy. Now the carpenter who was wasting energy because he couldn’t find work is generating more energy by building the farmer’s house. More money is created. If they were to measure this energy, they would measure it in some form of currency. And as more and more people would believe that the divine in them is manifesting everything they need, living from flow, experiencing this luck, there would be more and more currency to represent the expanded levels of energy.

If I believe that I am limitless, that there is a limitless energy flowing through me, why would I be afraid to share that energy with others? With circulating currency?

Because I have had this belief, I have been resistant to restarting this blog. I wanted to conserve energy. I was all about personal and spiritual growth, but only for myself. Because I was trying to conserve the energy within myself. But I see that by doing that, I have blocked the flow. It cannot flow through me, since I’m not willing to circulate it. So the flow dribbles to a drip, and I operate under just working as hard as I can to get everything I can, but try to expend as little of it as I can — the protestant work ethic.

But truly, if I want more, I need to give it away.

So what to do about this situation? I need to forgive myself, I think for blocking the flow. For believing that there isn’t enough, and forgive those that passed this belief onto me.

As much as I didn’t want to be like the rich man in the parable in the Bible, who stored up riches in barns, refused to give to the beggar, then died and lost it all, that is exactly what I became. I became the exact thing I feared. Only it wasn’t money I stored up. It was other people’s ideas. I tried to take all the ideas I could get, store them inside me, and use them to just improve me, no one else.

For that, to you, the world. I am sorry. I have not shared who I am with you. I have not shared my truth with you. I have kept it hidden, only for me. But by keeping it for only me, I have blocked the flow, received only a little, tried to conserve that. Now I see that I matter. That the truth that is who I am matters. That you need what I have to offer. I am so sorry for believing you didn’t. For believing that you didn’t care about me, didn’t want to know me, and didn’t want to receive what is in me to give. I have lived in fear of what you would say to me, what you would think of me.

I’m sorry for keeping the light that I have hidden, as if under a bushel, like the song goes. I hid it for fear there wouldn’t be enough for me and everyone else. I hid it because I didn’t think anyone else wanted the light. I hid it because I believed that I only matter to myself. I was wrong on all counts. I am sorry. And world out there, I ask you to forgive me. Because you do need me. And I do need you too.

October 29, 2016

Coming back

It has been several years since I posted on this blog, but I have decided to restart it. I have experienced dramatic growth this year, and I  want to have a forum to share things I am learning, plus I keep getting nudged to restart, so here I am.

While I’ve had a lot of changes in my personal life this year, I have had even more changes and growth in my spiritual life. For a long time I did not identify as a Christian, but I didn’t know where that would leave me. I felt like I was wandering around in darkness, and I was stuck, and I had given up all hope that anything that had previously happened to me was real or mattered anymore. (I had dramatic spiritual experiences in my early 20’s). So I just was acting basically as an agnostic, but the one thing I didn’t give up was that I had a spiritual connection through meditation.

However, after a number of things have happened in the last year, I have reconnected with my purpose, reconnected with my higher self, and reconnected with God. It started when I decided to end my marriage. The relationship had me stuck in so many ways. I think I was believing that I couldn’t grow past where he was, without taking him with me. This did not work. The night I started this process, I went into a  deep meditation and felt eternity around me. I heard that everything that I had prayed in the past was still there, nothing was lost, and it is all coming back to me now. I left the meditation sobbing and wanting to give my life back to God.

Sometime later, in a place of prayer, I realized what I want to do is take a big risk and not worry about the consequences. I realized that I do not know who God is, but I said, “I accept you for who you are and who you are not, without knowledge.” And that “no knowledge” part was the really key thing. It seems that people try to know things about God in order to think they’re having a relationship. But really to be truly intimate, you let go of knowledge and everything you thought you knew about God in order to just be present and let God be who God is.

I felt like it’s a risky prayer. Because I’m saying I’m accepting this being, no matter what they’re like, not really knowing for sure. But trusting that God is really love and really good, and not even really knowing what those things mean. But the risk really isn’t about who God is. It’s the risk about whether all this is really real, or am I just crazy. So it seemed to me that the risk of delving into unknowing, which means I can’t really use reason to figure this out, is I could just be nuts. But since reason will not take me where I need to go spiritually, I have to take the risk and not know.

In the months since, I have experienced the feeling of coming alive in so many ways, and so I restart this blog to share what I can of that aliveness.

December 28, 2011

How to believe in people even when you know they’ve screwed up

Darin Hufford of Free Believers Network often podcasts about the importance of believing in people and being believed in. He explains his view that when you believe in someone, that empowers them to live out a higher version of their self. Conversely, when you don’t believe in them that lack of belief can really bring them down. He says that in order to progress on your spiritual journey, it’s probably necessary to avoid people who don’t believe in you.

I’m not sure exactly what Darin’s definition of believing in others/being believed in is, but my best guess is that when you believe in someone, you see the real person that they are. You see them as perfect, no matter what they do. You see them by the spirit. Conversely, when you don’t believe in someone, you don’t believe in who they are. You don’t think them capable of living out of their true self, of living out their potential. Instead, you deem them doomed to forever repeat the mistakes you’ve observed them to make in the past.

My husband and I have often discussed this. We sometimes find ourselves to feel nearly incapacitated by others’ disbelief in us and even by our frequent disbelief in each other. Having been married for 4 ½ years, we’ve passed the honeymoon stage of our marriage where we were nearly blind to each other’s faults, and we can now see clearly how the other messes up in the same way, over and over.

I have lately been reading The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle, which goes into how our spirits and minds work. Just a minute ago as I was meditating on a part of the book, it hit me that the reason I sometimes don’t believe in my husband is because when my mind is in control it bases what it believes about people on what they have done in the past. Our minds are expert at taking people’s past actions and extrapolating a projection of what they will do in the future. Since my mind is aware of how my husband has negatively reacted to situations in the past, it fully expects him to make the same wrong choices in the future. So I don’t believe in him. I don’t believe he will change or do anything in the future different than in the past. When living by my mind, how can I believe anything better about him? It is reasonable for me to project what he will do in the future based precisely on what he has done in the past. It’s unreasonable to expect otherwise.

So I realized that though it’s unreasonable to believe in my husband, it’s vital for the future of our relationship that I do. In order to believe in him in spite of what he does, I have to be more aware of who he is than what he does, and I have to believe that he is not the sum total of what he does, but when he does negative things, those don’t come from who he is, and they don’t define him.

What I have to do in order to believe in him is to live from the reality of my spiritual being, not by the reason of my mind. My being uses my mind but is not controlled by my mind. So I can be aware of what my husband has done in the past, but not base my belief in him on that.

When you’re living by your being, you relate to others based on who they truly are, not based on what actions they have done. Thus by living in my real self, I am able to believe in my spouse not based on what he has done in the past, but based on who I know him to be. I think this is the kind of belief that can pull someone out of a rut or vicious cycle and bring them toward their destiny.

November 20, 2011

How to attract God by being yourself (or why “more of You, less of me” doesn’t work)

My husband and I get into unproductive cycles in our relationship sometimes. One that I’ve been recently noticing is when he starts feeling needy. When I hear him express that, I groan inside. I simply cannot make myself feel turned on by his neediness; instead, it pushes me away. Maybe this is because it turns something that should be about desire on both sides into obligation for me. I think that because I’m married to him, I should meet his needs, but it turns out that his needs are really for me to desire him, and I cannot desire him based on obligation or neediness. Instead, I want him to meet me where my heart is at so I can feel connected. For me, desire springs from that. When he’s feeling needy, I think it’s because he is not believing that he is attractive enough that when he is himself, I will be drawn to him. So he begins to feel sorry for himself, believing that he cannot attract me, and he then tries to turn me on by expressing neediness, but when that does not work, it reinforces his belief that he is not attractive to me.

I was thinking about how this dynamic has often existed in my relationship with God. A lot of the worship songs I used to sing both in church and by myself were downright needy. For example, take these lyrics from “Breathe” by Michael W. Smith, one of the most popular worship songs of all time: “I’m desperate for you; I’m lost without you.” My heart connects to that song because I used to sing it over and over with such passion. I could feel the tears welling up inside as I sang, “You’re the air I breathe.” I just listened to the song again, and I could feel myself connecting once again to the idea that being with God is the most important thing in my life, and I don’t want anything to get in the way of that.

But while this and similar songs have helped me to become aware of my heart’s desire for God, worship songs have also led me down a path of emptying myself of me. Lots of songs present the idea that I should decrease so God can increase. I googled “more of you and less of me,” and I found a beautiful song by Brian Johnson that I used to listen to. As I listened again, I found myself reconnecting with the ideas in the song. The words “more of you, less of me” are repeated only a couple times, and the rest of the song is about how wonderful it is to be in the presence of God. The lyrics, “I’m satisfied by you alone” carry the sense that I am already with God, and being with God fulfills something in me. But while I relish the idea of feeling God’s presence more, I wonder why Johnson wrote, “less of me.” Why do I have to decrease, becoming less of myself, to get closer to God? Perhaps Johnson meant that as God increases in my life, bad character traits I’ve exhibited will start to fade. Or maybe he adopted a Christianese cliché without thinking too much about it. More likely, the phrase comes from a bible verse (John 3:30) where John the Baptist says, “He must increase, but I must decrease.” I think in context, though, John was probably talking about increasing and decreasing in popularity, not in personhood. I have attended the church where Johnson leads worship, and I know that this church encourages its members to find the gold in people, Christians and non-Christians alike. When we tell people the truth about who they really are, this church teaches, that reality will start to show up in their lives. I think that’s a great concept because it doesn’t reject the person as useless without Christ. But a lot of Christianity does. “Amazing Grace,” for example, calls the pre-Christian a wretch. And there are quite a few songs about becoming more like Jesus.

Several years ago I took myself on a personal retreat. I had been trying for years to get closer to God and advance in my spiritual journey, but things were not going well. Every time I tried to join a church, I enjoyed it for a short time, but then I would begin to be miserable. My heart would say, you don’t belong here, but I took that as demons and tried to force myself to stay. (I wrote about that experience here.) I was about to move again, to another church, and I went to the beach to try to hear God. I couldn’t hear much, but the one thing I did hear became a turning point in my life, “I would rather have you be yourself than worship me.” This gave me the permission I needed to be free to be myself, but it was months or years later before I actually did stop going to church and singing all those songs.

I have an almost-two-year old toddler who is still nursing. (I blogged about that recently on my other blog here.) Though she wants to nurse a lot, I don’t find her desire unattractive. Rather, I like the fact that she wants me, and nursing makes me feel close to her. I was thinking about what is the difference between how she approaches me and how my husband often does, and I think it is in confidence. My daughter trusts me to meet her needs, and she has no doubt that I want to meet them. She doesn’t doubt her identity or wonder whether I love her. I’m pretty sure that such a thought has never crossed her mind. Because she is so confident in our relationship, I’m always totally attracted to her. Even when I don’t feel like nursing, I look at her reaching for me, my heart melts, and I scoop her up and latch her on.

When I used to listen to teachings from the International House of Prayer in Kansas City, I loved a phrase they often used: “confident in love before God.” I think that phrase expresses the idea that I am saturated with the knowledge that God loves me, I love me, and I love God. When I know that I am loved for who I am, that God believes in me, there’s no limit to what I can do or be. (Darin Hufford talks about this idea a lot.) “Confident in love before God” also carries the sense that what really attracts God is our confidence in being who we are. My reality is that God desires to have a relationship with me for who I am. God’s not looking for another Jesus. Jesus is Jesus, and I’m not him. And I don’t want to be him. I choose to be me. I do believe that my personal unique self is far more attractive to God than an empty shell or shadow of a person who is trying to be like Jesus in order to please God and divorcing myself of my own heart in the process. What I have to offer in a relationship, whether with God or anyone else, is my own being, and the more I am confident in that, the more attractive I will be as a person. Who wants to be with someone who is constantly down on herself, berating herself, or saying, “what a worm I am” as some old hymn states? I am not a worm. At my core, I am an amazing being, made from love, filled with light. I am completely unique, and there’s no one like me in all the world. And I shine with a beautiful radiance that flows from my inner being. Okay, so I have bad days where I cop an attitude or say negative things. But that’s not me. When I say, I want to be more of me, I realize that the more I manifest who I truly am, the less negativity will show up in my life. As I am who I am, I attract God. And when I believe that God loves me for who I am (which I discover when I am with God) I am more likely to live from that reality. So maybe I should rewrite the song, “more of you, more of me.”

November 16, 2011

No fear in love

A few weeks ago I met a man who is a healer. He teaches yoga, works with essential oils, and leads a meditation group. I met him at an essential oils class. I told him that I have been looking for a meditation group so I can go deeper in my own contemplation, and he invited me to join. Then he gave me a hug. In that hug I could feel a love so deep it scared me shitless, because there was a great power with it. I knew that if I connect with this man, he will influence me in a profound way, but I have not emailed him back to say if I am going to come.

I have been thinking about why I have been so scared of this man and of what he represents. Today I decided that it is because I was taught to fear. From the time I was born, I was told to be afraid, very afraid of anything not connected to the bible. If I wander away from the bible, my parents and religious leaders proclaimed, I will surely fall into dangerous and deceitful doctrine that will rob me of my relationship with God, my salvation, and my ability to see the truth. I will be overtaken by demons, lead others to hell, and be eternally tormented in hell myself. God will send me a “strong delusion to believe a lie.” This, I was told, would be the worst thing that could ever happen to me.

Even when I learned about contemplative prayer, I was told that it could be safely practiced only by Christians. “Only Christians,” my teachers told me, “have God’s spirit inside, so when you contemplate, you are gazing at the God who dwells within.” They didn’t quite say what would happen if you tried to contemplate without being a Christian, but they implied that all sorts of bad things could happen because if you are not contemplating within the safety of Christianity, you open yourself to demons who can take possession of you and try to destroy you.

Though I long ago began leaving the belief system my parents handed down, the fear they and other religious leaders engendered in me has lingered. I have believed in this fear, and it has kept me many times from peaking over certain walls. Or if I did peak, it was with much trepedition, and I had to ignore or work around the fear in order to cross over the wall. Now I am standing on this precipice looking down. I know in my heart that if I continue moving forward, I will have to face this fear head on. I will back down or fear will back down. I can’t keep dancing with fear, moving around it or ignoring it, because the next step is to do exactly the things I have been afraid of my whole life.

The funny thing about this fear is that it is actually disguised as love. If you love someone, you will do anything you can to keep them from experiencing eternal torment. Also, it would be very unloving of me to leave behind a belief system that could keep me and my loved ones from hell. Yet at the same time, when it starts to feel like fear is what is holding me back from living a life of love, I realize that fear is anti-love. It is not unloving to leave behind a belief system that could keep me and my loved ones from hell when I don’t know that belief system to be true, and the very foundation of it is fear, not love.

Thankfully, there’s a bible verse I can rely on to set myself free from all this torment of being afraid of leaving behind the bible. 1 John 4:18. “There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves punishment, and the one who fears is not perfected in love.” All the things I am afraid of have to do with punishment. Fear says, if I try out this other spirituality, I will be punished by all these horrible things happening to me. God will punish me by leaving me. How sick is that? What if instead of hanging onto these threads of fear that have promised to keep me safe my whole life, I simply let go, ask for Love, and let my heart lead me to the places where love might finally have room to grow.